Monday, November 29, 2004

Little things

I liked that monologue by the sea by Ethan Hawke (sp?) in that film, Reality Bites. That reminds me of a joke. Meh.

So it's a monologue about how he ellicits pleasure and comfort from the world despite the shitness of his life, by focusing on little things.

My life isn't shit. Generally it's quite good. But the odd day I find a reason to be sad and as it's not a nice feeling, i look for distraction and comfort.

When my phone is about to receive a message, the picture flickers beforehand and it reminds me of how a quintessential clairvoyant's eyes go just as she's about to receive a communication.

Today I was really hoping that my blinking phone, was about to bring me a message of comfort: that my mate was free and would meet me for a pint.

He was, and he did.

If he hadn't been, I'd have tried to take pleasure in my little simile; my blinky phone with its ethereal messages.

Then i probably would have tried someone else.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Absomootly (L)awful

If you are the kind of person who relishes the seamy details, consider the following (otherwise just skip to my tale of ineptitude)

Court of Criminal Appeal DPP V Samantha

Samanta has been married to Edgar for Seven years. Over the last three years, Edgar has taken to going out drinking of an evening and coming back late at night the worse for drink. Samantha frequently scolds him when he returns and tells him she will leave him if he does not mend his ways. Edgar has a violent temper and, on some occasions, has hit Samantha forcefully. On other occasions, Edgar has forced Samantha to engage in sexual intercourse with him despite her protests.

Samantha has recently sought help from a Counsellor who advised her to leave Edgar and move into a hostel for battered wives. The next time Edgar came home drunk he staggered into the bedroom and Samantha told him she was leaving him the next day whereupon Edgar punched out at her several times, breaking her teeth, cutting her lip and badly bruising her. Eventually, Edgar went to sleep on the bed with Samantha sobbing in the corner of the room. Several hours later, in the early hours and while Edgar was still asleep in a drunken stupor, Samantha went to the tool shed in the garden and took out a large hammer. She returned to the bedroom and hit Edgar several times about the head, killing him. She then calmly called the police and said, “ You had better come quickly – I have just murdered my husband.”

Samantha was arrested and questioned the next day. She made a statement to the police. She explained that she could not take anymore and that she had told the counsellor that she would kill Edgar if he ever hurt her again. Samantha was charged with murder and, despite her plea of provocation, was found guilty of murder in the Central Criminal Court on a majority verdict. She is appealing against that verdict on the basis that the judge should have left her plea of provocation to the jury. The judge had not allowed the defence to be put to the jury because of the cooling off period of some hours.

Note for Participants:
Samantha is the Appellant
DPP Is the Respondent.


So in this matter, I was arguing as counsel for the DPP (who is the Irish equivalent of the DA for those of you who are either American or whose only legal knowledge comes from American television).

In Ireland you most often refer to the judge as ‘My Lord’ at the beginning of a sentence (that would be in the literary sense); ‘Your Lordship,’ in the middle of a sentence (again literary), and at all times during and after your sentence (in the penal sense) as ‘That head-up-your-own-ass mother f-er.’

Quasi-Mojo was some help in my preparing for my mock-trial (we call it a moot which is basically the noise that the animal who has one owl parent and one bovine parent makes while it is dropping big stinky pats from a great height) he licked my leather shoes till they were nice and shiny. I really appreciate that (though he’s been licking a lot of leather recently and I think he may actually have a ‘problem’). What I didn’t appreciate so much his attempt at being reassuring by using the tactic that had previously worked so well when I was in a stand-up comedy competition, which basically consisted of him dressing up in a dress, putting on a Carrie’s mother (i.e. Mickey Mouse) voice and repeating the line, “They’re all gonna lafatchoo,” over and over again.

My basic argument (again I’d advise skipping this bit) was to be as follows:


As a preliminary matter, by way of definition of terms, and to point out the only area of convergence between me friend and I.

It is conceded that that the defence of provocation can be successful even though a culpable mens rea may be present in the actions of the accused.

This is on the understandable basis that the mens rea element in the act has its origin in the provocation itself.

More significantly, it is not argued that the appellant would have attacked her husband in the manner she did were it not for his criminally culpable behaviour.

Despite this concession to the appellant’s circumstances however,
Counsel for the appellant is incorrect in making a legal defence of provocation because the facts of this case do not suggest that the actions of the appellant amounted to provocation in the legal sense.

The grounds for appeal are contested by relying
• firstly on the current definitions in case law on the defence of provocation, and
• secondly on the threshold of evidence that is required to allow the question to go to the jury.

The defence was clearly defined in

The people at the suit of the Director of prosecutions respondant V Keith Kelly, Appellant, reported in Volume 2 of the Irish Reports 2000, page 1 which I would like to open with your lordship’s permission.


Page 11, the third sentence of the Second last paragraph beginning: “It will not be sufficient…”

In this passage the elements of provocation are laid out after it is emphasised that one’s propensity to be provoked is irrelevant to the defence of provocation.

It says that
• 1. The reaction cannot be tinged by calculation
• 2. It must come suddenly and before there has been time for passions to cool
• 3. That loss of self-control must be total

On the first point
That the reaction cannot be tinged by calculation

The background evidence to the incident suggests:

• Firstly, the appellant did not bring the continuing assaults against her over the preceding 3 years to the attention of the gardai.

• Also, She refused even to take refuge in a hostel as recommended by her counselor

• But most culpably, she told this professional, her preferred solution which was that she murder her husband the next time he hurts her –this is particularly significant since it seemed most certain that he would given that his violence was a regular occurrence.


ON THE SECOND POINT
That It must come suddenly and before there has been time for passions to cool

• Despite the fact that the deceased did assault the appellant,
• There is a temporal disparity of several hours between this assault which the appellant now attempts to rely on as a provocation, and the attack she made on him as he slept later that night.

ON THE THIRD POINT
That loss of self-control must be total

• There is no evidence of a total loss of self control as the defendant had to be the master of her senses to go to the garden shed to retrieve a hammer and then to use it on the deceased while he slept.
• Though this much is convincing enough, Compounding it, is the evidence of her calm when she reported the crime.

The passage reads:

It will not be sufficient for the defence to show merely that the accused lost his temper or merely that he was easily provoked or merely that he was drunk though all of these may be factors in the situation. The loss of self-control must be total and the reaction must come suddenly and before there has been time for passions to cool. The reaction cannot be tinged by calculation and must be genuine in the sense that the accused did not deliberately set up the situation which he now invokes as provocation. To justify the plea of provocation there must be a sudden unforeseen,
onset of passion which, for the moment, totally deprives the accused of his self-control."


It is thus clear that there was a weight of contradictory evidence against a defence of provocation in this matter, as weighed against negligible submissions affirming the defence, if there were any.

It is conceded of course that in assessing whether or not the evidence for provocation is credible, this is a matter for the jury and not for the trial judge.

This is only the case however, if there is prima facie evidence of provocation. This issue arose in the matter of

The people at the suit of the Director of prosecutions V Steven Davis in the court of criminal appeal, reported in Volume 2 of the Irish Law Reports Monthly 2001 at page 65. which I would like to open with your lordship’s permission.

I would like to draw the court’s attention in this judgment to the final paragraph on page 75. Beginning with the second sentence on the second line starting with the words, “We entirely accept…”

In this passage, the criteria for allowing the question of provocation to go to a jury are enunciated and it is stated
• not merely that some of the elements of provocation must be possible from the evidence
• but in fact that all the elements be present.
• Furthermore, it is held that it may not be merely a vague possibility but must in fact be ‘an issue of substance’

The passage reads:

We entirely accept that the burden on the Defendant is not a heavy one but it necessarily involves being able to point to evidence of some sort suggesting the presence of all the elements of provocation. Provocation is not an issue which will automatically go to the jury simply because the defence is invoked. The burden which rests with the accused is to produce or indicate evidence suggesting the presence of the various elements of the defence.

As I have already outlined, the facts in this matter seem to contradict, not merely some of the elements of the defence of provoation in this matter, but in fact all of them, and it was a substantial possibility of the latter that was required of the learned trial judge to allow the issue to go to the jury.

In the event, the issue was not allowed to go to jury on the grounds of there being a ‘cooling off’ period, and this entirely correct in law as this is certainly an element which is necessary for the defence and for the issue to be considered by the jury.

It is also submitted in the alternative however that there were also other grounds on which the question would have rendered the same verdict.

And is submitted as a second alternative that even if the trial judge had allowed the question to go before the jury, they could not have found the definition to be applicable and so no injustice was done to the appellant in this defence not being considered by the jury


But in reality, I didn’t actually get to do any of it, apart from some reference to the minutely important argument quoted in the Davis case.

What happened was that my opponent (who you bizarrely always have to refer to as your ‘friend’), focused his argument entirely on the admissibility of psychiatric evaluations of women suffering from ‘battered woman syndrome.’ So I thought I’d begin my speech with some words on the inadmissibility of psychiatric evidence to the particular defence of provocation as it is a defence which excludes both the concepts of diminished responsibility and criminal insanity, being based entirely on a loss of self-control that is caused spontaneously by some outward act of…well, provocation – d’uh. The judge had some difficulty with the concept (refer to correct formal address in the penal sense above) which caused critical dallying on the point.

So these (albeit sophisticated) imprudent ramblings on my part, took me entirely off the point and as I said, left me with about 30 seconds to mention some shite about Davis.

Then my ffffffffffrrrrrrr… my fffffffrrrrrrr… my… the other guy, quoted a passage from Davis thus ‘schoolin me in ma own crib,’ as they say in legal circles… now. So in my surrebuttal (funny if you look this up in the OED it says ‘another word for SURREBUTTER – which leads me to suggest that what I was doing here was – apologies in advance – a ‘I can’t believe it’s not surrebutter’), I decided that I would also quote a quote a forthright passage from Davis, however when I looked down at the quote I had before me, I saw it was from Kelly, so having not opened the case of kelly in my submission because I didn’t have time, I rifled through my notes and just rehashed the shlop from Davis that I’d already (badly) done.

So I messed up royally, and apparently, since the ’37constitution, the prerogative was abolished (that’s a law-joke by the way, but you know what isn’t funny? Yes, you’re right – law-jokes).

On they upside, they didn’t all laugh at me. They just flinched with vicarious pain.

So it’s nice to know that even the cocky primate messes up sometimes, and Quasi-Mojo was wrong about the ‘lafatchoo’ thing as well (what can I say? An oldy but a goldy).

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Patty’s Prosopography

Patty, a pooning and party-loving paragon of pansexuality (and a putative poontang); has a penchant for polygamous and plenteous pair-bond. Indeed, her propensity is so potent; one would posit that a periodical of Patty’s paramours would, perforce, be so paginal; as to practically render a perusal of it perdurable – even with a provisory preclusion of pseudoepigrapha and paralipomena!

Proficient and persistent in her pursuit; Patty has persuaded a preponderance of people from the pusillanimous, procrastinatory and pantywaisted to the perfidious, prognathous and puissant (not to mention the perfectly papabile polyglots and politically prominent (paralipsis noted)) to partake in her pleasurable pastime.

Presently however, Patty feels peculiarly perfunctory and finds potential partners to be pedestrian and pabulum; pronouncing pouchong, paddymelon (or provolone) with pumpernickel and playing Pac-man with puerility, to be preferable proprioceptives to her previously prevailing prurience.

Anything but a proponent of the proactive promulagation of paralogical prognostication, Patty never pondered the permanence of her predicament – proposing in the place of pessimism that her pappy pep had probably not permanently perished.

But pitifully, Patty is not precisely perspicacious, and her provocatively picaresque personality, parallel with Patty’s person, poodle peacefully but persistently and ever-precariously toward purgatory; and despite her profuse promiscuity, precluding even primogenital progeny. Providentially, however the passions of Peter, the pall-bearer of the purlieu, are particularly pursuant to the posthumous. What a propitious portent for Patty!

Preliminary/Piddling P-glossary:

Pabulum: bland or insipid intellectual fare, entertainment, etc.

Pac-Man: an electronic computer game in which a player attempts to guide a voracious, blob-shaped character through a maze while eluding attacks from opposing images which it may in turn devour. It is also the name of the bob-shaped character itself. – ORIGIN 1980s: Pac, probably a respelling of PACK (from the character’s action of ‘packing away’ (i.e. eating) obstacles in its path) + MAN

Paddymelon: variant spelling of PADEMELON.

Paginal: of or relating to pages of a book or periodical

Pair-bond: (of an animal or person) form a close relationship through courtship and sexual activity with one other animal or person.

Pansexual: not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity. A person who is sexually inclusive in this way.

Pantywaist: A feeble or effeminate person

Pap: a woman’s breast or nipple

Papabile: worthy of being eligible to be pope

Pappy: of the nature of pap

Paralipomena: things omitted from a work and added as a supplement.

Paralipsis: the device of giving emphasis by professing to say little or nothing of a subject.

Paralogical: of or relating to a form of reasoning that does not conform to the rules of logic

Perdurable: enduring continuously; imperishable

Perfidious: deceitful and untrustworthy

Perforce: used to express necessity or inevitability

Perfunctory: (of an action or gesture) carried out with a minimum of effort or reflection.

Perspicacious: having a ready insight into and understanding of things

Polyglot: knowing or using several languages

Poodle: move or travel in a leisurely manner

Poon: dress in such a way as to attract attention, typically with sexual success in view

Poontang: A woman or women regarded solely in terms of potential sexual gratification.

Pouchong: a kind of china tea made by fermenting the withered leaves only briefly, typically scented with rose petals

Prognothous: having a projecting lower jaw or chin.

Proprioseptive: relating to stimuli that are produced and perceived within an organism.

Prosopography: a description of a person’s appearance, personality, social and family connections, career, etc., or a collection of such descriptions

Prurient: having or encouraging an excessive interest in sexual matters

Puissant: having great power or influence.

Pumpernickel: dark, dense German bread made from coarsely ground wholemeal rye.

Pusillanimous: showing a lack of courage or determination.

Putative: generally considered to be

Monday, November 01, 2004

Girls Tickle

To Helena's Heinous Halloween Hellaboloo, I wore a dress. The kind of stripy dress an eight year old girl might wear. It had a big orange lollipop suck to it. The kind of lollipop an eight year old girl might have. It showed off my chest hair wonderfully. The kind of chest hair... nevermind. What really set the costume off was the meat cleaver in my head and the blood running down my face and neck and chest. With any luck there will be a photo forthcoming.

On our arrival, max (the scariest person at this little hellaboloo) and I joined the small and sober party in the main room wherein we sat and politely made some small talk with a Nazi, as the the wolf of little-red-riding-hood fame stared vacantly at us from across the room (the pair looking as if little red was more likely to eat him alive than vice versa). It was decided between us that this was just like the waiting room in Betelgeuse (sp?) whereupon, just like in the film, in which you say his name and he appears, well, he only bloody well walked in the door didn't he?

Had I known that all it would have taken to get back in the dating-saddle(as it were) was to dress up like a half-butchered little girl with a beard and hairy chest I would have done it ages ago. But nobody told me - except the monkey of course, and for obvious reasons I thought he was 'yanking my crank.' HOwever, that's exactly what has happened. Finally.


Quasi-Mojo dressed up as a politician for halloween this year but i didn't see much of him because he thought he'd go the whole hog and spent much of his time doing cocaine with prostitutes in a hotel where his bill was being picked up by a well-wishing land-developer.

Last weekend, just to mention briefly, was great because among other things (or inter alia as they say in latin) Kerry came from Portland and now I know what a 'tossed salad,' a 'dirty sanchez,' and 'cleaveland steamer' are. Not empirically however - thank the sweet lord jesus. It was also a weekend in which life, love and friendship was officially elevated above sensible economics by lots of people to great effect.

Happy Birthdays respectively to Jo & Oz & Pam.