Shankill Butchers

I was at a gig by The Decemberists last Saturday night in Vicar Street.

For those of you who may not know The Decemberists, they are an American band, who are well known for their unique approach to lyrics - taking their themes from things like Japanese Folktales, Shakespeare, old Irish legends (The Tain), and most particularly any type of Victoriana. So it's not unusual to hear tales of murder, rape, robbery, abduction, poverty, death and tales from the high seas or the seedy docks. You'll hear words like "saber," "knickers," "pistol," "chimbley," "mariner," "roustabout," and "boyo" being sung as if they are words we all use every day, and somehow they are able to sing about their grim macabre themes in their folky way and have the effect of being unexpectedly charming and uplifting.

On Saturday they did a song called "Shankill Butchers" from their most recent album. It was beautifully and seductively sung; a dark lullaby you could readily imagine a rag-clad mother putting her child to sleep with in a modest and smoky cottage in some vague past safely distant from the present.

What has me freaked out about the song (however much I may love it artistically), is that it is not set in a remote place or past. Some of the Shankill Butchers who were convicted of 19 horrific murders - and thought to be responsible for more than 30 - are out of prison and living in Northern Ireland as I write. The first verse of the song goes:

The Shankill butchers ride tonight
You better shut your windows tight
They're sharpening their cleavers and their knives
And taking all their whisky by the pint
Cause everybody knows
If you dont mind your mother's words
A wicked wind will blow
Your ribbons from your curls
Everybody moan everybody shake
The Shankill Butchers wanna catch (/cut?) you awake


[View a live recording of the song HERE]

It is unclear whether Colin Meloy sings "catch you awake" or "cut you awake." The Shankill Butchers generally abducted people around midnight when the streets were relatively deserted, and generally subjected them to unthinkable torture. If the lyric is the latter, it conjures up images of the fate of one of the Shankill Butchers early victims, Tom Madden, who was hanged upside down from a beam and skinned alive. According to the Ulster-Scots Online Community website, pathologists recorded that 147 separate incisions were made.

There are people alive now who have images of this horror indelibly etched on their memories. For this reason alone, the theme of the song borders on the offensive, but I won't go so far as to say that that border has been crossed. Either way, I am probably not qualified to judge, but what I will say is that I cannot remember a song that has had more of a provocative and chilling impact on me.

You probably think you know enough english to express yourself...

... but as a personal favour, I would appreciate it if you were describing a thump or a clatter to use the word "pergaddus". Cheers. If you doubt that it is a word, I think you should do what every civilised person does when they are unsure of something: google it!

Two Snerts

Man: It says on the menu that they have "snert." What do you reckon that is?

Woman: I've no idea, was that what the receptionist said this morning? Did she say they found a snert under one of the beds or something? I really don't know, why don't you ask the waiter?

Man: Well I wouldn't like to look ignorant in front of the waiter… hmmm… maybe I can trick him into telling me!

Dutch Waiter: Shallo, wud choos like to ordersh?

Man: Yes, can you tell me about your snert please?

Dutch Waiter: You are acshually very lucky bashtards today. Do yous knows dish? We havsh de besht snert in Amshterdam!

Man: Sorry, did you say a nose-dish? For the snert?

Woman: *whispering* Are you supposed to snort the snert?

Dutch Waiter: Shorry what ish dish you shay?

Man: Oh that's ok, so the snert is fresh then, yes?

Dutch Waiter: No! It ish yeshterday's snert of coursh! We do it right in dish playsh. We sherve today's snert tomorrow. It ish mushier, yesh?

Man: Um… yes, yes, that is what I meant of course. Tell me, how big is the snert?

Woman: Maybe you can have the side-snert if you're not too hungry dear?

Man: There's a side-snert?

Dutch Waiter: "You want de snert on de shide? Ish unusual buts…

Man: Very funny, dearest. How about we share a snert?

Dutch Waiter: Share snert? It ish mushy, but dish might be meshy. Hows about two shmall snerts for yoush?

Man: Well yes, that's sounds…

Woman: I don't think that's exactly my 'cup of snert' dear.

Dutch Waiter: It ish very good snert, I put my own special shpicey shausage in every snert.

Man: Did you hear that dear? He'll put his spicey sausage in your snert – now there's a service!

Woman: Careful dear, or this might be the last snert you'll ever have.

Dutch Waiter: We make de snert very firmish and it ish nice and shalty. You cansh take away de snert if you want it for de shkating.

Man: And would you recommend something to drink with the snert?

Dutch Waiter: Yesh, if are indoorsh? Grolsch maybe?

Man: Yes ok, I'll have some of that with one snert please.

Dutch Waiter: Tanka Shir, and for de ladysh?

Woman: What kind of soup do have?

Dutch Waiter: Today, it ish just de shoop made wit de peash.

Woman: Oh, pea soup?

Dutch Waiter: Yesh, wit shum of de shausage and bacon in it.

Woman: That sounds nice, I'll have some of that please, thank you.

Man: You know, actually I'm not so hungry really, maybe I'll just have the soup too.

Dutch Waiter: Ok shir. No problemsh…two snerts for yous!

[Addendum: "Snert" appears to have a specific meaning in internet chatroom language, that I was hitherto unaware of. I am glad to report that I have never been called a snert, nor have I come across any snerts. I gather from what I hear that plenty of you lot have suffered snerts of many varieties, so if you haven't come across the term, I hope now you'll appreciate having a name to call these snerts - just make sure they don't think you're talking about Dutch Pea Soup when you do it!]