Two Snerts

Man: It says on the menu that they have "snert." What do you reckon that is?

Woman: I've no idea, was that what the receptionist said this morning? Did she say they found a snert under one of the beds or something? I really don't know, why don't you ask the waiter?

Man: Well I wouldn't like to look ignorant in front of the waiter… hmmm… maybe I can trick him into telling me!

Dutch Waiter: Shallo, wud choos like to ordersh?

Man: Yes, can you tell me about your snert please?

Dutch Waiter: You are acshually very lucky bashtards today. Do yous knows dish? We havsh de besht snert in Amshterdam!

Man: Sorry, did you say a nose-dish? For the snert?

Woman: *whispering* Are you supposed to snort the snert?

Dutch Waiter: Shorry what ish dish you shay?

Man: Oh that's ok, so the snert is fresh then, yes?

Dutch Waiter: No! It ish yeshterday's snert of coursh! We do it right in dish playsh. We sherve today's snert tomorrow. It ish mushier, yesh?

Man: Um… yes, yes, that is what I meant of course. Tell me, how big is the snert?

Woman: Maybe you can have the side-snert if you're not too hungry dear?

Man: There's a side-snert?

Dutch Waiter: "You want de snert on de shide? Ish unusual buts…

Man: Very funny, dearest. How about we share a snert?

Dutch Waiter: Share snert? It ish mushy, but dish might be meshy. Hows about two shmall snerts for yoush?

Man: Well yes, that's sounds…

Woman: I don't think that's exactly my 'cup of snert' dear.

Dutch Waiter: It ish very good snert, I put my own special shpicey shausage in every snert.

Man: Did you hear that dear? He'll put his spicey sausage in your snert – now there's a service!

Woman: Careful dear, or this might be the last snert you'll ever have.

Dutch Waiter: We make de snert very firmish and it ish nice and shalty. You cansh take away de snert if you want it for de shkating.

Man: And would you recommend something to drink with the snert?

Dutch Waiter: Yesh, if are indoorsh? Grolsch maybe?

Man: Yes ok, I'll have some of that with one snert please.

Dutch Waiter: Tanka Shir, and for de ladysh?

Woman: What kind of soup do have?

Dutch Waiter: Today, it ish just de shoop made wit de peash.

Woman: Oh, pea soup?

Dutch Waiter: Yesh, wit shum of de shausage and bacon in it.

Woman: That sounds nice, I'll have some of that please, thank you.

Man: You know, actually I'm not so hungry really, maybe I'll just have the soup too.

Dutch Waiter: Ok shir. No problemsh…two snerts for yous!

[Addendum: "Snert" appears to have a specific meaning in internet chatroom language, that I was hitherto unaware of. I am glad to report that I have never been called a snert, nor have I come across any snerts. I gather from what I hear that plenty of you lot have suffered snerts of many varieties, so if you haven't come across the term, I hope now you'll appreciate having a name to call these snerts - just make sure they don't think you're talking about Dutch Pea Soup when you do it!]