Spontaneous Nocturnal Biblical Criticism
I often have peculiar thoughts just before I go to bed, and when they are not sexual, it's not unusual for them to be biblical.
It occurred to me as incredible that anyone ever (myself included) entertained the idea that God's creation of woman was an afterthought, when he had already made all the animals in the world already and made them with their attaching reproductive organs which bear striking similarities to our own [insert 'horse-joke' here].
Why wasn't the idea of making a woman not so glaringly obvious to him in the light of this fact?
With that, I went to sleep.
7 Comments:
Whadd'r'ya crazy?
I never wanted man to procreate! Just look at all the shit that's gone wrong since then! Garden of Eden? A crackin' garden, full of trees with both literal and allegorical value. And now, I have to seal it off with a fuckin' multi-directional sword. And whaddya think said sword runs on , by the by? Solar Power?! In your dreams, hippie! The electricity bill for that thing alone is what keeps heaven perennially short on chairs. Which is especially ironic given that my layabout son is a formally trained and certified carpenter. But will he get off his ass and carve some shit?! Will he fuck! 'Ooh, I just saved all mankind from their sins'! Lazy bugger.
And I only had to send him down because the feckin' species started procreating. (Also, his Everyone Loves Raymond obsession was wasting space on the TiVo). I should have known from the start. That fucker Cain, who not only invented murder, but, and this is probably worse, the rhetorical question too. ' am I my brother's keeper?'. Well, jackass, you're only one of four people on the planet, I don't think it's too much hassle for you to keep track, given that I invented the Horsehead Nebula, for the love of shizznit! Anyhoo, I only gave Adam a schlong coz I thought it looked sightly. Never mind, you people won't get the significance till the Queglon invasion of 2653. The extra rib I threw in coz originally (and this bit was trgically left out by the jerks I subcontracted the Book out too. Last time I go with a semi-state, 'specially a Judean one) I thought it would be a good place to hang a coat off. But then adam was getting a little to into his own appearance. Manicures, I ask you! Little Gay! I couldn't have a planet inhabited by a single sentient but confusedly frustrated bummer. What would Zeus say! I'd be a laughing stock! so I extracted a vestigial bone, slapped some waps and a vag' on it, and hey presto, mankind was as cursed as all the other species, condemned to run around meeting unreasonable demands on the off chance of a quick 'shandy outside Whaley's on a Wednesday night. Did I want it this way? Me bolix! But I already tried the planet-wide flood, and some fecker with an unhealthy inter-species romantic fixation built a boat. So anyhoo, in my quest against the inHerent metrosexuality of mediterranean man, I came up with chicks (the concept of the 'butterface' was the devils work). so I hope this clears up your confusion, Buckles, you handsome devil,
Yours omniPOTENTly,
Jehovah
Assistant VP, Universe Inc.
P.S. Your keys are behind the couch.
P.P.S. Healy doesn't have a lazy eye. He really does fancy you.
Of course, Genesis chapter 2 also poses the famous conundrum of "who named the fish?", which gave rise to much bloody debate in olden times. All in all, not God's greatest literary achievement.
love it : )
Instead of doing what I wanted it to do, my unruly computer decided to compose a poem for me. I thought I should share it:
attention-grabb murder
hide. humiliation
morimur quotidie
Cause god is a man. And men are retarded. :)
Buckley, you suck so much ass. Make with the new blog immediately if not sooner. mwah!
Well said Jennifer.
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