An Open Letter to 'Sure' (Draft)

Dear Sure,
As a prepubescent, and indeed, a fully-fledged acne-d and awkward pubescent lad, I always enjoyed your female-Indiana-Jones-style sexy adverts. So much so, that my earliest dreams inspired by my maturing body and novel hormones, often contained women with a white swish on their otherwise sultry-brown skin thanks to your advertising campaign. Ultimately and perhaps incidentally though, I must admit the fantasy you supplied was supplanted by a blonde 'I-dream-of-genie' figure as it made women seem more maternal and inviting, and less intimidating and sweaty (which was what I was looking for at the time - at the moment, the way I am now, you'd almost certainly win on the fantasy stakes - if that's any consolation). Also and certainly incidentally, the motif lead me astray for a number of years as far as the correct way to apply deodourant is concerned. I thought it was sprayed on one's back with a stensil (sp?).

I am writing today specifically in relation to a product of yours for men which has not received comparable marketing to the products I so fondly forget the names of from the late eighties and early nineties. I have also forgotten the name of this product, not only due to lack of advertising which I suspect wouldn't work anyway, but also due to the similarity and predictability of such names (and the fact that I don't want to look like a metro-sexual by remembering it, though I know if i had any money I would probably be one). However, I'm pretty confident that it had the words active and plus in the title.

It's a deodourant cream (the first I've ever tried - spoiling myself for my birthday etc.) that requires 'two clicks' per application and offers twenty-four hour protection. First of all, I would like to say that I smelled my right arm-pit (presuming that my left smelled somewhat similar and not bothering to check) twenty-four hours after I first applied the cream as per your instructions and am happy to report that I still smelled quite talcy - consistent with my initial diagnosis. However it was at this point where things began to get decidedly sticky. I am refering to my arm-pit hair. I was curious to find that your deodourising cream is also a hair-styler. And yes, this was 24 hours later! This reminded me of a short-running advertisement of yours (I think) in which a man fell off a cliff and grabbed onto a branch on the way down only to make an acquaintance a short time later in a woman (one presumes single) who suffered the same fate. The point of the scenario was ostensibly the line, "Sure. It won't let you down". Would I be right in thinking that these people actually had applied your product to their hands and were glued to the branches and I have misinterpreted yet another of your adverts?

I checked your product again (taking careful note to ignore the name of it) and found that no reference was made to this feature. You might consider marketing your product a little better. I also noted that it took quite alot of extra soap to clean this gunk (no offence intended by my use of the term) off - which raises a number of issues:

1. Do you offer any reimbursment for this extra cleansing?
2. Is there a cleanser you particularly recommend? Peroxide perhaps?
3. Do you recommend I remove it at all - since it may continue to make my pits smell nice if i don't.
4. If for some reason I neglected to wash the gunk off and was planning on going out and mixing in polite society, how much should I reapply. The same again? A half-dose? Not at all?
5. If I shaved my arm-pits would this improve or disimprove the efficacy of your product and/or would it run a risk of sticking my arms to myself as per a tyrannasaurus (sp?) rex impression?
6.If I accidentally click three times instead of two and produce too much gunk, what is the pocedure for rectifying this scenario from a health and safety perspective.


Furthermore, your instructions suggest that your product be applied to the arm-pits only. Is this because your product may glue clothing to my body? And is there another product that you would reccommend for my hair that would style it and make my hair smell as good as your product?

You also suggest that it should not be applied to painted surfaces. Does this apply to ink? If I were writing a love-letter to someone who would appreciate man-smell on my correspondence, should i refrain from rubbing the paper in my arm pits as I usually do?

What difficulties do you envisage arising were a monkey to use/eat your product?

Awaiting your response eagerly,
Thanking you in advance,
Yours etc.